heart talk / The Mapps Quest


I know I’m supposed to be content.. and I’m going to get a good ‘talking-to’ after writing this.. but I just want what Jesse McMillan has. You can read about what he is going through at his wife, Ashley’s, blog here. Jesse recently found out he has a massive tumor on his brain. I’m not in wanting for a tumor per se.. but what the tumor has produced.

Back in 2012 Seth and I were looking for a new church to call home. We visited Bay Area (our now home), enjoyed the service on Sunday, and decided to try one of the Wednesday night classes. Jesse was teaching through the book of Colossians. From the moment I met Jesse I was jealous of his zeal for the Scriptures and his love of Christ. That is what has drawn me to the people I respect as good teachers of the Word. There is just something different about a person who loves nothing more than to be near to our Savior. Of course it’s impossible to be in that state all day long, and I have accepted that.. until now.

When I first heard that Jesse was in the hospital I thought, ‘he is going to share the gospel’. I didn’t even know why he was going, and then when I found out he had cancer I thought, ‘he is going to magnify God’s glory’. If there’s one thing I know about Jesse, it’s that he believes that God is Sovereign King. It’s not just that God allows stuff to happen or that He reacts and tries to fix the problems of our lives. No. God gives us these things. They seem hard, and sometimes even cause us to despise Him… but in the hands of a man like Jesse, cancer is the catalyst to bring God the ultimate glory. What if we could all be that way?

That is what I want. I want to be so wrapped up in who Christ is that I can’t see the cancer inside of me. I want to be so alive in the Spirit that I’m not afraid or too prideful to visit my neighbor and tell her how wonderful Jesus is. Because He is wonderful. And right now, even amidst an unknowable outcome to surgery, Jesse is living life to it’s fullest. He’s living the life we were all made to live. He’s as close to his Father as humanly possible this side of eternity. I WANT THAT.

No distractions.. just the Father.


I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my body another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my body. Wretched woman that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? 

Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!

Because there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.

I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.

(excerpts from Romans 7 & 8)


For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen. – Ephesians 3:14-21

4 thoughts on “Stuck.

  1. I believe that every true Christian wants what you have so eloquently proclaimed. All we can do is try harder to keep the faith and pray that our love of Jesus will pull us out of the darkness and into the light.

    Liked by 1 person

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